I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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