I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
