i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
