So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My cat gives me a boner
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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