nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
