Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
