What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
