I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
