Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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