I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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