My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
