in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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