Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
