I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
