After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
