You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
