So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
