If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
