I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
