I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize