I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
