Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
