So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
