Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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