can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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