Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
