He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
