hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
