I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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