The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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