if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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