Who wears a wallet chain?!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
