My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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