Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
third nipple confirmed
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
