Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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