Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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