i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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