is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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