anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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