neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
