I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
