I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
