I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
