I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
