Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
