sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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