you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
