My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
