I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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