just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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