tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
