He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
