I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
