I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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