My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
foreskin is a definite game changer
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
